Change can be difficult for someone who likes things to be predictable. I prefer familiar routines, my favorite old movies and books, and grocery stores that don’t rearrange their inventory. (Where is the toothpaste??? It used to be on aisle 4! Why would they move it???) I like the old familiar versions of software programs, even if the newer versions come loaded with new features I will come to appreciate once I know how to use them. (“Hello, Geek Squad?”)
One of my favorite routines was the Christmas party my husband and I hosted every year. I planned for it all year long. We started having the party 19 years ago and it was one of the high points of the year for both of us. I kept Excel spreadsheets with menus, supplies, guest lists, and even created a time-line of everything that needed to be done. I’d fret over whether I had enough of everything. Did I have enough M&Ms? Meatballs? Cream puffs? What if I ran out? I’d better buy more.
In 2020, between the pandemic and my Stage IV diagnosis, we decided to not have our party. A few friends needed to be reassured that there was, in fact, no party and that they hadn’t been removed from our invitation list. The following year, our neighbors hosted the party and called it “Marty and Carol’s Christmas Party.” It was wonderful and we reveled in the joy of being with people we loved.
This past Christmas felt a little empty without the party. I missed the crazy running around, making multiple trips to Costco and Smart & Final for “just one more thing.” I was missing “the good old days” and wishing I could go back to them. My husband and I talked about it and reminisced about past parties and remembered how fun it was to pack so many people into our little Craftsman house. We realized that we will probably never go back to that, but we have some amazing memories that will warm our hearts forever.
Carly Simon sang, “These are the good old days” and I think I agree with her. I want to remember that things change, and I don’t have to dread that. I don’t want the anticipation of change to spoil what I have right now. Although I try not to think about what the future with Stage IV cancer looks like, I sometimes imagine what might happen when this disease progresses. I do my best to stifle the voice of fear because fear is one thing I don’t want cancer to have. Cancer is a thief, but I can’t let it steal my joy of living in the moment of right now.
The thought lurks in the back of mind, “What if last Christmas was my last Christmas?” My last whatever. Since none of us knows when our last fill-in-the-blank will be, and I still have not been given an expiration date, I want to create memories today that will make me, and hopefully those I love, smile, laugh, and maybe even cry a bit tomorrow, next week, next year and forever.
I have so much to be thankful for. The sun still comes up every morning, my Nespresso coffee maker is still making my coffee every morning, I get to hear the sound of my beloved’s laughter, and to see my neighbors when they’re out on the street. I have family and friends who love me. I have TODAY. I can’t ask for more than that.
Carol
Cancer has progressed to my bones. I pray that it never enters my soul.
I was so honored to be a part of your Christmas parties, such warm and wonderful memories. You and Marty absolutely pulled out all the stops, it couldn’t have been more magical for everyone. I hope that I will be included in the future party with you, even though I have moved out of the neighborhood. Much love to you both!
I too have MBC. I found the lump in my breast 1/1/20 three months after I retired from teaching. I am de novo (meaning I never had cancer before stage 4), and on my 5th line of treatment. There is an AMAZING Zoom group that meets on Mondays on Zoom. You can learn so much about different treatments and get to know these lovely ladies. The Zoom meeting is run by BreastCancer.org
I don’t use the community forums, but you can find me at the Zoom meeting most Mondays at 11 am PST. You can sign up for the Zoom meetings at Breastcancer.org to get reminder emails of the Zoom meetings. There is also a Wednesday group and a caregiver group too that meets twice a month on Tuesdays at 1 pm PST on Zoom. My husband attends that Zoom group. Sending love to you.
We loved everything about your Christmas parties! I believe I am still carrying around some of the weight from too many m&m’s, cookies, sandwiches – all delicious and could not be left on the table!! I love that Marty is the chief Christmas decorator and may have even copied some of his ideas. Thank you for reminding me of the fun times we always had. Sending you love and best wishes for a good new year!
Dear Carol,
I will say it again, your words made me laugh and cry. I say YES to a giant block party!! Let us take it to the street and celebrate our neighborhood, our friends and YOU!!!! Thank you Carol for taking the time to share your words with us! Love YOU!!
Oh, Lisa, thank YOU! I totally agree about taking it to the street. Let’s do it!
And you ALWAYS had enough M & Ms! For which all the kids- BIG and little- are eternally grateful! XOXO Chris
Chris, I’m glad there were enough! My favorite were (are) the peanut variety. 🙂
Love your memories of our annual Christmas party and I’m happy to hear that we weren’t taken off the guest list! We have such wonderful
memories of those parties over the decades. Love you guys. ~Joy
Joy, you will always be on “the list”! 🙂
“ You Had Me At Change “ Carol. Let’s do the ‘Carol & Marty 2023 Christmas party’ together! xo/Jlo
That would be wonderful, John. We’ve even thought about taking it to the street and making it a big, jolly block party.
Dearest Carol, you should have as many parties of any size as often as you want. If you outsource all party-related responsibilities, everyone will step up and do it because it’s for you and Marty.
Diana, I’m sure they would. We’ve talked about making it a block party outside. The weather is often good that time of year.