When I was in second grade, I read a book titled, “Fortunately, Unfortunately.” As I recall, it was a story about a child whose day began with one misadventure which led to another and another and still another. I don’t remember how it ended, but in the last few weeks, I feel like I could have written my own version of that story.
Recent events resulted in my neurologist ordering an MRI of my brain. Fortunately, I was able to schedule a STAT appointment within a few days. Unfortunately, when I arrived for the appointment, I was told the MRI equipment was down that day. Fortunately, they were able to reschedule the scan before I left the building. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for another month. (That’s not how “STAT” works, by the way.) Since this was on a Saturday, the Ancillary Schedulers were not available. Fortunately, I was able to reach the schedulers on the following Monday morning and was put on the schedule for the next weekend. Talk about a roller coaster!
Now, let’s add more to the story. My swallowing problems have continued to progress, making it harder to eat and leading to a loss of about 15 pounds. After CT scans, a modified barium swallow study, an endoscopy, a swallow motility test and yet another endoscopy with multiple biopsies, I got the call didn’t want to get. My cancer has spread to my esophagus and to at least one lymph node. The name of that last procedure was a doozy! In case you’re curious, I copied and pasted below the description directly from my patient portal. If, after reading it, you break into singing, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” I’m sure no one will judge you. I do wonder if they ran out of character space at the end. Either that, or the person typing the description thought, “Oh heck. They’ll know what I mean. I’ll never get my lunch break if I keep typing the full name of this procedure.”
ESOPHAGOGASTRODUODENOSCOPY, FLEXIBLE, TRANSORAL; WITH TRANSENDOSCOPICULTRASOUND-GUIDED INTRAMURAL OR TRANSMURAL FINE NEEDLEASPIRATION/BIOPSY(S) (INCLUDES ENDOSCOPIC ULTRASOUND EXAMINATION OFTHE ESO
Fortunately, this procedure was done under general anesthesia. I even recall dreaming during this one. I think I dreamt about knitting. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the pathology report came back within a couple of days. That’s never a good sign for me.
The report read, “Her thickened distal esophagus is infiltrated with metastatic carcinoma most likely from the breast. There is a lymph node adjacent to the esophagus which also has metastatic cancer.” That was not what I wanted to hear, but I can’t say I was surprised. There is the possibility that I will need a feeding tube (please, no!), but the GI doc does not (thank you very much) want to put a stent into my esophagus. He said they’re painful and can migrate. Ooh, that sounds like fun!
Since the first line of treatment has failed—meaning the cancer has progressed—I’m moving on to the second line of treatment. I didn’t ask how many lines there are. I don’t think I want to know. And while I’m on the topic of treatment failures, I’ve seen women who have written in the forums that they failed a line of treatment. The kind women who are also on the forum jump all over that comment. “YOU DID NOT FAIL THE TREATMENT! THE TREATMENT FAILED YOU!!!” It may be just semantics—and it’s probably a topic for another blog post—but we deal with enough guilt without feeling like we’re responsible if a treatment doesn’t work. Enough said. To quote Forrest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.” For now. More on that topic later.
Unfortunately, I’m afraid darker times are coming. Fortunately, there is still a silver lining in all of this. Maybe it’s just a glimmer, but I know it’s there. I am loved. I can feel it. I know it. And if that’s not a silver lining, I don’t know what is.
Carol S.
Cancer has progressed to my bones. I pray that it never enters my soul.
Sending much love to you and Marty as always, Katrina and Tahnee Rose
I love you…That’s all I have to say about that, too.
Thank you, Daralee! It goes both ways!!!
Carol, I wish every human had your ability to see past the stormy weather and appreciate and embrace the beauty of “being loved.” Indeed you are!!! You are a wise and incredible person. I want to give you a giant hug right now. I admire you.
Carol, so sorry to hear the latest news. We love all your blogs, even though they make us sad at times. Hold on to those silver linings and all that love. Sending you and Marty lots of love!
As the others here have said, yes, you are loved Carol. I’m glad you know it. I am grateful that you share your journey with us. But so disheartened for the unfortunately’s. Fortunately, your muse continues to be life, and hope, and friends, and your words an always refreshing balm of courage, life and smiles. You are awesome. Love you. David and Becky.
Thank you, David and Becky! David, I don’t know if you remember, but you made a comment on one of my earlier blogs about the line, “Snap out of it!” from the movie, “Moonstruck.” I’m toying with that as one of my blog titles. haha
Lol – top 3 movie lines ever. Good advice. Gosh I love your smile.
And since it’s me and I think I know you pretty well… a little irreverence is on order. Look at the bright side. (Cue Monty Python) You may have found a great alternative to Ozempic! (Drum hit)
David, shall we tell people our relationship, or just let them wonder about the strangeness of our conversation? Guess what??? I may be starting a new drug. Way worse than anything I’ve taken yet. “Digestive” issues galore! Yay! This is so much fun!
And if I can’t do it, I expect you to be the one to quote the grandfather in “Moonstruck” and say, “Someone tell a joke!” Deal?
Love you!
Thank you, Carol, for digging deep, sharing the pain of terrible diagnoses, and still finding moments of thankfulness and love. You, in my mind, are still the young girl and her horses in Woodside! Beautiful memories that live on. I pray for the strength and love needed for your days ahead. You are a blessings to all of us. Clarice
Thank you, Clarice! Those were, indeed, special times with special memories.
In each and every one of your blogs, your beautiful “voice” comes through — even amidst the din of bad news. Thank you for sharing. Courage.
Thank you for another blog. I can so hear your “voice” — a voice that continues to be authentic, and continues to inspire, even in the din of bad news. Thank you for your generosity in sharing your journey. Courage.
Carol!!!! I just read your blog! You know I am a huge fan of your blog…I laughed, I felt your frustration and then I could barely see through my tears to finish. I love your writing, your honesty, your courage! I am so sorry. Your silver linings are a reminder to all of us. YOU are truly loved! Thank you Carol for sharing and teaching.
Carol, I am so sorry about your latest results on your journey. You are an amazing warrior. You got it right, you are loved by so many. Sending you continued love, Didi
Thank you Didi. We are so blessed to be so loved!
Carol,
May love continue to be the source of much joy for you. Thanks for telling us the good, bad and the ugly. It’s not easy to hear the bad, and we treasure your bravery and staying connected to us. Whatever you are given to provide nourishment, may it come in chocolate!!
Chris & Jim
P.S. Hope you are seeing tonight’s beautiful sunset right now.
Thank you, Chris and Jim. We’re enjoying some family time in the desert. We missed the San Diego sunset tonight, but hopefully will get another one tomorrow night.
Thank you, Carol, for your authentic sharing. You touch lives, all of our lives, with your self. Often that is the best gift we can give one another……. our self.
Thank you for sharing your sense of belovedness. What a gift you are to all of us.♥️
Yet another beautiful blog Carol. Although I am very sad to hear about the latest news, I am always encouraged by your upbeat attitude. You lift me up when I think the roles should be reversed. Indeed, we all should measure our lives by how we are loved. Thank you for the reminder💕Kathleen
Kathleen, I feel like our lives are so much richer with friends like you and John!
Carol — I’m so saddened to hear this news. Cancer spreading anywhere is traumatic, but to affect daily joys like eating… I’m sorry. Your silver linings are, indeed, powerful though! Friends, family, love — they are the most powerful thing for all of us. You are just in touch with their power more than most. Blessings and love…
Carol– I’m so saddened to hear this news. Cancer spreading anywhere is always traumatic, but to affect daily joys like eating… I’m sorry. (You may recall my daughter-in-law is living with the same original diagnosis.) Still, your silver lining is a powerful one! Friends, family, love — there really isn’t anything more powerful and beautiful than that for any of us. You are just more in touch with that power than most. Blessings. And sending love…
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Eating is a pleasure that I hope continues for a long time.
OMG, Carol first off, your blog was beautifully written, and had absolutely no grammatical errors, which is what you asked me to look out for. 😂
On the second, and actually, it’s really the first comment I have, and that is what the fuck?! What a horrible ordeal for you and Marty. As usual, you have the perfect attitude and Outlook on where this is all going and what’s happening right now.
Yes, like you said, in your last paragraph, you are loved by so many people, and have had such a positive impact on all of us, with respect to how you’ve handled this cluster fuck. I know you’re going to make the best of it, and take each challenge and blessing as they come your way.
Even though I’ve moved downtown, I just a stones throw away. I would love to come by with Muffy & Adam for a visit sometime next week, if that works.
Sending lots, and lots, and lots of love and healing energy to you and Marty.
Hugs,
Joey
Thank you, my proofreading friend! I’m visiting with my sister and she helped me, too! You’ll not lose your job, though! Never!!!
I do feel the love and we are both incredibly touched by it. I couldn’t ask for more. I will email or PM you about a good time for a visit from you, Adam and Muffy.
Love and hugs,
Carol
Hi Carol, sorry to hear about the reoccurrence of the cancer. I so admire the way you are handling all of this and finding a silver lining.
Experiencing being loved is the most beautiful thing one can feel.
Maryann, I completely agree. We couldn’t ask for better friends!
Thank for the update. Love and prayers Sandy Reeves
Thank you, Sandy. Much love to you and Bruce!