I’m feeling sad right now. I’m also feeling a little bit angry and a little bit helpless. In my July post, I wrote about a woman who I have been following on the Breast Cancer forum. Her forum name was “moth,” and she had a blog called “Never Tell Me the Odds.” I wrote that I was feeling a bit guilty that my scans were stable but that she was running out of treatment options. Her last two blog posts said that she was continuing to have problems, was in more pain, and that things were not looking good.
Her daughter posted on August 8th that her mom, Margaret, was stopping treatment. She then posted again that Margaret had died on Friday, August 12th. I feel gutted. And angry. And helpless.
There’s an expression that is often used when someone dies of cancer: “She/he lost their battle.” Many of us, especially those with Stage IV cancer, HATE that expression. It implies that the person either gave up or didn’t fight hard enough, making it THEIR FAULT that they died. We told “keep fighting” and “stay strong.” We’re told “don’t give up” and “you’ve got this!”
I think when we say we’re “fighting” it helps us feel like we’re “doing something.” We’re looking for ways to at least slow the disease and its eventual outcome. But those ways of keeping us alive can have a serious impact on our quality of life. At some point, we just say, “enough!” We’re tired. We’re finished. We just want peace. We’re accepting the outcome, but not “giving up.” WE haven’t failed a particular treatment. We prefer to say that the treatment or drug has failed US.
I’m not there, so don’t worry. I’ve just been struck, again, with the seemingly random way cancer kills people. My next set of scans is approaching, and new pains have me thinking about the “what ifs.” I think about how things might change if the results show the cancer has progressed. I think about the impact this could have on my husband, my father, and my sister. I think about potential new treatment plans and their side-effects. Scanxiety, would you please just go away? You’re an uninvited interloper. Go find NED’s evil stepbrother and hang out with him.
Yes, the sadness is there. But today, I will look for things that bring me joy and peace. I have family and friends who love me. I have hope. I have so much for which to be thankful. As for the bad stuff, I’ll wait until tomorrow to think about it.
Carol
Cancer has progressed to my bones. I pray that it never enters my soul.
Dearest Carol, I am so sorry about your friend, I know how extremely difficult that is. She was a warrior and didn’t give up! She did was right for her, and may she rest in peace. Sadness will always come when you lose someone dear, and she was lucky to have you as her friend, just as I am and appreciate so very much. There are so many levels to cancer and treatments. I traveled this road with my Dad, Mom and beloved husband. My Dad and husband were warriors as well, and NEVER gave up. My Mom was fortunate enough to get through it all. You are a true warrior as well, Carol. You inspire all of us with your words, and your continual bright outlook on life. As I have told you before, keep that beautiful face to the sun! Miss seeing you and Marty and sending you tons of love. Hopefully, we can get together very soon. XOXO
Hi Carol,
I am always overjoyed to see you walking across the street and I love running into you and Marty out at night walking hand in hand. You are the strongest person I know. Blessings always.
Carol I am so very sorry. Thank you for your bravery & honesty….sharing your words and feelings with us. I am sending you and Marty much LOVE!!!!
I don’t have adequate words. I am leaning in with you, that is all I can say. Sending loving thoughts to you and Marty.
Hi Carol, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sucks big time, but I’m sure she made the right decision. I’m also sorry you’re struggling right now. This low period will only make the next high that much more appreciated and gratitude. I’m sending healing energy your way. You’ve got this girl!! 🥰
Hugs,
Joe
I woke up without my usual depression this morning and was so grateful not to have tears in my eyes and to just have some time for myself. I took time to start reading and chose to catch up on your blog. I am so thankful that you share your thoughts and journey with all of us on such a personal level. Just reading can take me to a whole other place. Of course I love you and want you to find some joy at this moment and get some gratitude, take a deep breath and smile. I go out my door and see some deer over in the field across the street and that moment of nature fills me up. Have a good day!
Susan
Continuing to keep you in our prayers. I am so grateful that we have blessed hope in Christ Jesus! May His peace continue to surround your home and soul. Love you!
-Lexie
I think of you so often, Carol. Scanxiety is awful, but may you also find solace and joy in each day. So easy to say, so difficult to do. Sending you love.
Hi Carol, thanks for writing your blog and sharing it. Your openness about your feelings and thoughts validates so many things in me, things that I experience but you put into words so wonderfully. Love you Carol!
Praying for peace for you and Marty
Thank you, Sandy!