I don’t like to admit this, but I love control. I wouldn’t call myself a control freak, but when so much of life feels chaotic, I crave control over JUST SOMETHING. Give me just one tiny, little thing I can control. That’s all I ask. I can’t control the weather, traffic, or the cost of gas. I can’t control how long I’ll be on hold for “the next available representative.”
One of my “happy places” is The Container Store – A WHOLE store of things into which I can put other things. A whole store of boxes, binders, cubbies, fancy bags, drawer organizers, and on and on! The Container Store makes me feel hopeful I might be able to gain some control over the disarray in my life. If I could put everything tidily into binders, boxes or pretty organizers, my life would be perfect, right?
Life loves to throw curve balls at us. We often hear or say, “I didn’t see that coming.” We try to avoid the unpleasant, but sometimes it finds us anyway. Then we’re faced with how we will respond. Duck? Run and hide? Deny it’s happening? Get angry? Look for someone to blame?
I am scheduled to receive my next set of scans this week. The Nuclear Medicine scan (remember the stuff in the special silver box?) was arranged with no problem. However, the CT scan could not be scheduled due to a nation-wide shortage of the contrast dye used during the test. Hmmm. That’s not good. I was told the hospitals hoped to be able to obtain the dye by July, but until then no appointments could be scheduled. It was one of those “due to circumstances beyond our control” situations. How often have we heard that phrase?
I felt sorry for the scheduler as she was explaining why she couldn’t put me on the calendar for the scan. I asked her if people were being understanding with her. She said unfortunately, no, not everyone was, and some got really angry with her because they couldn’t schedule their tests. Did they think she was hoarding the contrast dye in her desk? Selling it on eBay?
Getting angry with this woman would not have done either of us any good. Plus, I’d have to deal with the guilt of losing my temper over circumstances that neither of us could control. Was I frustrated? Sort of. Was I worried? Kind of. Did I have a choice in how I could respond? Definitely!
Not having control of circumstances can lead me to feeling helpless and believing I’m a victim. I don’t want to go there. And just because I can’t change the circumstances, I don’t want to use the situation as an excuse to lose control of my response. (Do I actually “lose” control, or do I choose to “give it up?”) It’s so easy to blame my actions on anyone but myself. “You made me angry!” “I couldn’t help it.” Or “Sorry. It’s how I’m wired.”
While I was fretting over the delay, I got an automated message from the clinic reminding me to schedule my scans. Really??? The same scan you said I couldn’t have? After making multiple phone calls and after being placed on hold for “the next available representative,” I was told that oncology patients were being given priority in getting the contrast dye. So, I’m back on track – as long as they don’t run out of contrast dye before next Wednesday.
I’m thankful to be on the “A” list and can get the CT scan. I will, for now, continue to follow my current treatment plan, take the prescribed pills, eat the right foods (OK, maybe not all the time,) and do whatever I can to keep this beast at bay. Hopefully the scheduler will stop hoarding the contrast dye so all the others who are who are waiting for their scans can get back on track, too.
Carol
Cancer has progressed to my bones. I pray that it never enters my soul.
Perfectly written, once again! Sending much love to you and Marty.
Your posts are always good, but this one about control really resonated with me. Wow! Thank you for sharing this. And well on the lighter side, you know I too love The Container Store. Thank you.
I was struck in reading your wonderful blog abut how our reactions to difficult situations IS something we can control, even in out-of-control situations. Ironic, really. Thanks for always making me think!
Thank you, Tammy. I saw a recent post somewhere that said something like, “I may be silent, but you can read the subtitles on my forehead.” I don’t know if that would be good or bad. Maybe it’s a good thing I have bangs!
Thinking of you today, Carol♥️
Thank you, Linda!
Praying you will get the scan with good results.
Thank you, Sandy!
Carol!!!! Thank you for sharing your story. I so enjoy reading your blog….you make me laugh and cry! Shhh…I too LOVE the container store! Will be thinking of you on Wednesday.
Thank you, Lisa! I have a few other friends who also LOVE the Container Store. For a while, they knew me almost by name! That’s a scary thing!
Well done Carol ( again!) xoxo K
Thank you, Kathleen!
Carol—This lack of nuclear medicine can’t be helpful for your “scanxiety”!! Will be thinking of you Wednesday! Bob
Thank you, Bob. I was afraid I was going to have to tarp my load!
Hahaha! That hoarding scheduler…. It’s all HER fault! Those thoughts that we tell ourselves are amazing (and sad). Thanks for the reminder that we have a choice (after we calm down!) as to how we respond to life’s frustrating circumstances.
Exactly, Joan. Of course, I’m Irish, so my outbursts are never my fault!
Thanks Carol! Very honest accounting of something we all try not to do……although sometimes we can’t put a tarp on our desire to control things.
I love how you write and am so grateful to be able to share your blog.
Thank you, Maryann. Some days I think I need a bigger tarp! 🙂